Friday, May 7, 2010

Recognition of Deception in a Relationship

Advice from Advanced Technology Investigations, LLC.

It's not always easy to recognize when your spouse isn't telling the truth. But there are subtle cues that indicate he's trying to fudge the facts. To help awaken your inner lie detector, and prevent dishonesty from floating in your relationship. Private Investigator, David Shelton of Advanced Technology Investigations, LLC in Greensboro, NC has a few tips for conversation, to assist in discovering deception. Although there are a lot of “He’s” in this article, it also applies to “SHE.”

At one time or another, your spouse has probably said something that sounded a little fishy. The bachelor party ended at 10 p.m.; the auto mechanic made him invest in a bigger engine; I didn’t make as much money this week. In fact, men tell twice as many lies as women, most of which are just little white lies, according to a new survey from 20th Century Fox to mark the DVD launch of the TV series "Lie To Me."
Men lie to preserve their ego. They don't want to spoil the reputation they've worked hard to earn. So if he wants you to think of him as reliable, he may fib that he made that phone call to the insurance company a week ago, and then make a note to do it tomorrow. Other times, lying is simply the easy way out, especially if he thinks the truth will get him in trouble. Maybe he drove his female coworker home because her car broke down, but tells you he drove home alone so you won't get worked up.

Even though small fibs seem harmless, these little white lies can undermine a sense of trust in your relationship. When anyone gets away with small, insignificant fibs, it builds their lying comfort level. The more practice you get, the higher your risk that you'll lie about bigger things down the road. But you don't need to hook anyone up to a polygraph machine to pick up on deception. These simple tactics can help you spot the lie, get your spouse talking truthfully, and pave the way for a more trusting and honest relationship.

1. Take a mental picture of your spouse’s usual behavior. The way your spouse behaves verbally and non-verbally when relaxed is what is known as “WIN” (what is normal). The next time you are talking about the weather, plans for the weekend, or any other no-pressure topic, take note of “WIN” -- does he clear his throat or gesture when he speaks? Only when you know your spouses WIN, will you be able to pick up on the subtle changes in body language, speech, and tone of voice that occur when your spouse is trying to hide something.
2. Watch for posture. You can notice the first sign of deception by watching how your spouse's body reacts to a question. "When a man is at ease, he typically sits back in the chair, rests his hands on his legs or the arms of a chair, and crosses his legs. These restful positions are called his sleep points. A question that he feels is threatening will cause those sleep points to "wake up. You'll notice him sit up, lean forward, uncross his legs, or display a new hand gesture.

3. Ask the right questions. If your spouse gave you reason to suspect they are lying and you want the truth, the way in which you question him can make or break his admission. Let's say you ask him if he enjoyed the lunch that you packed him for work. If he says yes, but based on the reaction of his sleep points you feel like he's lying, your best strategy is to drop the subject for now. If you accuse him of lying or bombard him with questions, he'll either go on the defensive or continue lying. Plus, he'll be more on guard next time you bring it up. Instead, give yourself time to find evidence that he's lying, or think about how you want to approach the subject next time. Then, try one of these questioning strategies:

4. Ask an assumptive question. If you think your spouse is being untruthful, you can turn that assumption into a question. In this case, you might assume that your spouse went out for lunch and ask, "Where did you end up going for lunch yesterday?" "This creates the opportunity for your spouse to acknowledge the truth without feeling pressured. Plus, because the question it forces your spouse to come up with more than a yes or no response, it may be easier for your spouse to come clean rather than think of an answer that makes sense.

5. Use a bait question. If you find evidence of deception -- maybe you found the bag lunch in the back of the car or a receipt from the pizzeria near the office -- you can use that evidence as bait to force an explanation. Try: "Is there any reason why there's a receipt for $10 from the pizzeria yesterday?" By asking about the evidence -- not pointing fingers – your spouse doesn't feel personally attacked, which makes them more likely to be honest. And maybe they'll admit that your spouse doesn't really like tuna casserole, even if it was packed with love.

The Signs of Deception:
If you still suspect your spouse is lying, note the common signs of deception so you can decide for yourself if he's being honest. These signals should throw up a red flag:

Listen for:
Stalling for time:
"Can we talk about this later?" or repeating the question.

Defensiveness:
"I don't have to answer that."
Excuses: "I would never do that." Or, "I would never jeopardize our relationship."

Searching for specifics:
"What's your point?" Or, "What are you trying to figure out?"

What ifs: "What if I said yes?"

Amnesia:
"Not that I can remember." Or, "To the best of my knowledge..."

Details: Truthful men tell you the truth and answer your question, not tell you the whole story behind the truth. Deceptive men load up their response with more details than are necessary to answer your question.

Guilt twists: "Do you really think I would do that?" Or, "I thought you trusted me."

Sounds:
Clearing his throat, coughing, voice change.

Qualifiers:
"To be perfectly honest..." Or, "To tell you the truth..."

Look for:
Fidgeting: Leg movements, shifting, tapping his fingers
Gesturing: Such as rubbing or wringing hands
Adjusting: Messing with his watch, glasses, or jewelry
Biting or inspecting his nails
Abnormal eye contact
Cleaning up his surroundings: Particularly when he's not usually a cleaner
Wiping sweat

Watch for:
Is your spouse dressing better than usual?
Is your spouse wearing cologne or perfume more than usual?
Is your spouse working longer hours?
Has your spouses speaking tone changed? (Quick to anger)
Have your spouse’s routines changed?
Do you seem to have arguments more often, and you are always the one to blame?



If you feel your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, employee or some significant other is lying to you. Give us a call, and we’ll be glad to have a FREE Consultation with you, and discover ways that we can help you out.


Advanced Technology Investigations, LLC.
Visit our website: http://www.detectiveati.com
Call us at: 1-888-274-5701